I don't make New Year's resolutions, per se, but rather a vague promise to myself to "do better." Sure, assigning lofty goals and metrics is one way to go about it, but I've found that self-fulfillment can be distilled into a simple spreadsheet divided into two columns: Column A - What Sustains Me and Column B - What Impedes Me.
Since the first quarter of 2014 has drawn to a close, I'm taking stock of my figurative spreadsheet and looking forward a bit.
What Sustains Me
1) health and exercise. I've joined Weight Watchers Online and have managed to lose 14 pounds so far (would be more if there were no pizza in my world). The weight loss has improved my self-esteem exponentially. Buying clothes is even more of a joy when wearing them with confidence is once again a possibility.
Running sustains me. Sadly, I hadn't been doing too well with that in 2013. An injury is all it takes to tilt the balance and slip into complacency, which leads to weight gain, which leads to slower running, which leads to discouragement.... a vicious vortex of all that is ugly. Enter karate. It's something I've always wanted to try. I'm interested in the Asian cultural aspect as well as the discipline and rituals attached to the martial arts. Plus, it's a great workout. My dojo, sensei and fellow karateka have helped me to tap into my inner strength, a power and optimism that had been in hiding for too long. True, I have a long way to go, but I'm on the way to making peace with myself and silencing the voices of cannot.
Challenges now spark my enthusiasm rather than shining a spotlight on my perceived inadequacies. To that end, I've adopted a new one today, based on something I read somewhere. I'm going to start a running streak, just for the month of April... one mile (at least) per day. I've never run that consistently before. Of course, I know my limits and how to not exceed them. Many of these runs will be ONLY a mile. I'll use those to push the speed envelope. Today I achieved 9:32 for a mile (my benchmark nowadays is 10:30 or so, so that's thrilling to me). How fast can I get? I'm excited to find out.
2) art. Once again, I'm taking Paula Henderson's critique class at SAIC. I'm joined by some familiar faces and I've met some new colleagues. I continue to be enriched by the artistic environment and I strive to push myself in new directions-- specifically, working larger. It's a fun ride. My happy place.
3) Reading and writing. Reading's always a constant in my life, but I've been making a concerted effort to tune into the tv less and power up the Kindle more. As for writing, the dates of these blog entries will help to keep me on track. I love to write. I love language, but I don't make the time to do it as often as I would like. That's going to change.
Next, What Impedes Me. A lot more difficult to review.
1) drinking. What is too much? That means something different to everyone. For me, liquor was starting to pack on the pounds and directly contributed to feelings of depression and low energy. I went a full 90 days without a drop of alcohol. Of late, I've had a glass of wine or beer here and there, but oddly enough, it's lost its allure. I'm learning that I'm better off without it and that I can, in fact, still have a rich social life behind the glass of a seltzer water.
2) negativity. Mostly my own. I'm learning to be more mindful and meditative in my daily life and to not look too far ahead or too far behind. I've restructured some relationships that were dragging me down and let go of one or two which were seriously bad for me. I faced some truths about myself-- how some of my actions and behaviors have contributed to problems with friendships and how to not fall into that trap any more. I've also reconnected with a few important people who I've lost touch with. I'm making the conscious decision to not engage in the "cult of busy." It's so easy to use that as an excuse to get bogged down by self-absorption. Truth is, we make time for what is important to us-- or at least we should-- and when we do, we'll find joy there. Joy in people, not in things.
2014 so far has given me a lot of reason for optimism. I'm proud of the changes I'm making within myself and I continue striving to hold on to patience and understanding, both towards myself and with those around me. Life ain't a bowl of cherries, but it's all we have. Deciding to live it with a little more purpose is where I'm at now. Stay tuned.
