Wrapper, beware!

Many people are surprised when I admit that I abhor wrapping gifts. They figure that, since I'm an artist, I must enjoy the challenge of presenting something in a beautiful way. That's so not true. Rather, the entire process fills me with overwhelming dread. Here are some of the common pitfalls that vex me and send my anxiety level into the stratosphere. Perhaps you can relate to some or all of them.

1. Spatial Relationships - What do you do if you cut the paper too small? Ignore it and leave a tacky-looking gap that essentially broadcasts for all to see how inept and lazy you are? Try to patch it up? Sure, that approach gives a passing nod to the fact that you actually give a shit, but it also says that you're still too lazy to do it right. Start over, cutting a new piece of paper? Then what do you do with the short sheet? Hope it fits something else? Or just throw it away? That's wasteful and an admission of failure.

2. Tape Allocation - If you use too little, that sends the following subtle message to dirty little peekers like my sister Dawn-- "Go ahead, pick at it a bit... bend that corner back and maybe you can see what it is without actually opening it." Do that and you're being an enabler. On the other hand, if you take the Homeland Security approach and seal off all the entrances, you risk pissing off impatient friends and family who don't have all day to search for a point of origin for that good first tear.

3. Paper Design Selection - Does it really matter? Will my 8-year-old nephew feel offended if I use Sesame Street wrapping paper showing Big Bird in a santa hat? Is he too mature and cool for that? And if I have some paper left over from last year, will anyone remember if I use the same design again?

4. Tissue Paper from Hell - Who started the sick tradition of nesting a gift of clothing in a neat over-layer of tissue paper before sticking it in a box? Mine never looks exquisite or elegant. It just looks wrinkled and sad, like an old lady's face before Botox.

5. Bows are a Stupid Gimmick - They just fall off anyway. Or get smooshed beyond all recognition. Or eaten by the cats, who, in turn, promptly regurgitate all of the fa-la-la on the carpet.

So, that's all I have to say on the subject. Take your stuff to Borders and have a teenager in an elf suit wrap it for you. Or stick it in a bag with some of that artsy confetti stuff and call it a day. Or don't wrap it at all. Whatever.