falling back, moving forward

I'm going through a very tough time. I'm going to be brief about it, because my emotions are still very raw. My mother-- my best friend, my biggest fan -- is having some serious health issues. She's had mild dementia for a few years but last week she took a turn for the worse and now my sisters and I are forced to consider assisted care for her. It's ripping out my guts. Additionally, work is not going well for me. We're in the midst of a big and stressful project with a lot of deadlines, worry and tension. Some days I feel like I'm very close to falling off the edge of a cliff. But my problems are not unique. And, like all problems, I know they'll resolve with time. Until that happens, I have no choice but to try valiantly to find the strength within to cope as best I can. Thankfully, I have the support of friends and family who are there to listen and to lend me a shoulder to cry on.

And there is solace in routine. When times are tough, we tend to cling onto the goodness in our lives. For me right now, that's running, painting, hockey. Although my emotions frequently make me feel physically ill, somehow I've been managing to keep up with a decent exercise schedule. Three runs this week. 20 minutes of yoga. A glorious Friday afternoon ice skating session with a friend.

Additionally, art IS therapy and I've been hard at work on the painting of Vince. The picture above shows my progress. I went to class on Tuesday with the underdrawing completed and with Loretta's encouragement, I started to put paint to canvas. It felt awkward at first because I hadn't painted much in a while, but I felt the groove return slowly. I laid down a wash of gray in the background just to kill the white, but the uneveness of it was very distracting. So the next day I flattened the negative space. Not sure if I'm 100% satisfied with it-- I may want to cool it down a bit or perhaps lighten it-- but I'll resolve the figure before I make that final decision. The first application of paint made his face look somewhat like Bruce Willis (which kind of cracked me up), but the longer I work on it, the more the true likeness is emerging. Today I worked mostly on the face and the shirt, and laid down a stronger blue (cobalt) on the shorts. The arms and the legs are still very gestural; I'll most likely work on them in class on Tuesday. What's next? I've already started to sketch out my next painting. It's an oddly juxtaposed portrait of John wearing a scarf. It has some pretty dramatic lighting and coloration so I'm looking forward to it a lot.

And hockey. The entire Olympics, really. What perfect distraction. The USA vs. Canada game is on tonight and I can't wait. It's a win-win because Blackhawks are on both teams!

So althought I'm beaten and bruised, I'm not defeated. Sue gave me some good advice yesterday-- live in the moment. Focus on what you are doing RIGHT NOW. Projecting into the unknown future can quickly become too overwhelming. Great advice from a great person.