Loss and learning

It's been a long time since I've posted because it has been a very eventful and difficult summer.

Sheila's medical condition had continued to deteriorate and at 12:41 p.m. on Thursday, August 16, the veterinary staff from City Cat Doctor visited our home and assisted her to her final rest. We knew it was coming. Since November, it's been a hospice situation with her. Still, giving her that final kiss on the orange patch of fur on her forehead (which we liked to call her "trouble spot") and then watching her go limp as her heart beat its last was painful beyond measure. I love my husband for being there with me and sharing my tears with an understand that only he could have. I am so grateful for my bosses Erica and Jason, and my teammates Yvette, Sallie and Julie who went out of their way to cover my workload so I had time to process my grief. Much thanks to Dean and Kimmy, too, who called me every day and patiently listened to me cry as long as I needed to. All of my friends held my hand and helped me when I needed it the most.

My friend has been undergoing radiation for her cancer treatment and for a while lost her ability to speak and had to be nourished by a feeding tube. She is on my mind daily and it's been difficult not being able to talk to her and share in her trials. But she is slowly regaining her strength and we are now able to exchange emails when she feels up to it. This connectivity is so important to me.  I've known her a long time and she's been my rock in many situations.

Went to a wedding recently for two gay friends. The ceremony was full of love and touching moments but was also somewhat shadowed by yet more grief.  His only sister, age 35, died a mere two weeks before the wedding, leaving behind a husband and a two-year-old son. Seeing them brought tears to my eyes. She was a leading scientist and university professor who did a lot of good in this world and mentored many college students who knew her.

Also, my sister relocated to a distant suburb to insure a good school system for my niece and nephew and that change has been difficult on all of us, as all of us navigate insecurities that somehow this physical distance will test the bonds we have and rely on so heavily.

Thoughout it all, though, I believe I've grown stronger and have changed in many ways. I'm painting so much more as a way to buffer the sadness that can overwhelm me. I took a 5-week course at SAIC and my instructor Paula Henderson and my classmates were so positive and affirming. I feel that my work has progressed to new levels and that pleases me very much.

Also, I'm looking at my life and relationships in a different light. True, I'm always thankfully in awe and full of gratitude for those around me who sustain me. Still, I'm an imperfect person who can be quick to anger and take offense when none is actually meant. That's my own insecurity, but I'm understanding more how that can affect the ones on the other side of the friendship. So I'm trying to let my interactions invoke a smile and by using words of support and love. As I've enjoyed and been bolstered by so much support, I've been stepping up my efforts to do the same to those around me. Yes, I'm busy. Work. Painting. Running. Cleaning house and other mundane things.  Blah blah blah. Time's short. But I need to be better at pushing those I cherish up the ladder of priority. Events I've witnessed this summer reinforce that maybe I won't get a chance to do that tomorrow. Maybe they're having a terrible day and a kind word or two from me will turn it around for them-- and that's worth 10 minutes less of "Dance Moms." That's the power of human interaction.

Out of darkness comes light. Out of trouble comes insight and understanding. I'm hopeful that the changes I'm trying to make in my everday life will help to negate someone else's hard time.